Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The Worst Teacher that I've Ever Known

Yup. I've met that kind of teacher. That teacher is me. I'm the worst teacher of all. I know I know. A lot of people will say "it can't be that bad". Yeah, you probably right. It can maybe not that bad. But for now, it's really bad for me.

Setiap kali nak masuk kelas untuk mengajar, aku mesti akan blank. Tak ada benda yang organize langsung since aku masuk kelas bulan lepas. Lesson plan aku dah buat. Tapi still aku rasa macam aku tak follow lesson plan tu. Students macam tak dapat input daripada aku. That's when I feel like crap. Students bising dalam kelas aku, kelas cikgu lain students baik je. That's when I feel bad. Students makin galak berjalan, buat bising, tak panggil aku cikgu, main2kan aku. That's when I feel worse.

Most of the teachers said the first year will not run smoothly. Yes, I know. Tapi aku tak rasa aku boleh handle students for a couple of years ahead. Students buat aku ni macam orang yang boleh dimain-mainkan. Aku baik sangat ke? Langsung tak. Aku menjerit je sepanjang masuk kelas but still diorang pijak kepala jugak. Approach aku x betul ke? Probably. Setiap kali aku masuk kelas, I feel guilty. Sebab masa pelajar terbuang macam tu sahaja disebabkan cikgu seperti aku. Perasaan aku?? Lagi teruk agaknya. Kesian kat students. Bayar mahal2 masuk sekolah tapi dapat cikgu crap macam aku.

Semangatku terbang macam burung layang-layang. I have no motivation. Balik rumah nak kena fikir amende nak buat dengan pelajar. Tapi in the end, satu habuk pun tak ada. Kembali kepada chalk and talk sahaja. Nak buat set induksi/BBM, tak tahu mana yang sesuai. Cikgu ni nak kena kreatif. I'm not a creative person. Tak pandai melukis, tak pandai menyanyi, tak pandai buat set induksi yang menarik. Semua la. Kadang2 benci pada diri sendiri. Kenapa rasa tak mampu buat sedangkan tahu buat (kot)? Sigh~

I don't have that kind of spirit. Aku rasa terikat. I'm not really free. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I feel sorry for myself and the people around me who affected by myself. I'm so sorry.

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