She's gone....

Bismillah. 

Salam.

Today marks the second month since my mother passed away. I don't know how am I going to write this but I'll try. I'm going to write the chronology before she died because maybe someday, I'm afraid I'll forget about it. So here goes...

My father decided to send my mother to the hospital the second of Raya because she's so weak. When we arrived there, she was put in the ICU. She was there for about 7-8 hours before she can be put in ward. The first week she was in the ward, her health seems to improve a little. She can ate rice porridge. Before this, she couldn't. In the end of the first week, the doctors gave us a shocking news. Apparently my mother has a tumor at her heart. The diameter is 7 cm. It is not cancer, just a tumor. The doctors didn't suggest surgery because of the age factor. But they said they will monitor and gave suitable medicine to ease my mother's illness. My mother was 62 year old. It's kind of a blow for our family you know. The second week, she's not getting better. I couldn't see her because of work but my sister told me her health is deteriorating. I'm really worried and just to pray to Allah to give her good health.

20 July

2.50 pm. I got a phone call from the nurse that take care of mother. She asked me to inform all of my siblings to come and see my mother. I asked her "Is it time for her to...?" and she's just say yes. I ended the call and called my second eldest sister. Her workplace is near with the hospital so she can go first. After wrap up everything (I was in the class at that moment), I took my things, asked permission and went straight to the hospital. When I arrived, I couldn't stop my tears from falling. Usually, I stopped myself from crying. But that day, I couldn't. Why? Because her eyes were moving in all directions. I called her. She didn't respond. At all. My eldest sister came and I hugged her and cried. Then, the doctor came. He explained to me that my mother has somewhat struggled with her breathing. So they have to inject morphine to calm her down. And he said sorry. Why? After that, I saw my second eldest sister. She said she came early and the doctor has explained everything to her. Apparently, when the nurse called me, my mother has stopped breathing at that moment but soon recovered after that. Doctor gave a timeline to us. She will be gone whether today or tomorrow. So I Whatsapp-ed everybody about that and my brothers came home. We spent the whole day at the hospital. At night, my mother has fell into a coma. 

21 July

I went home after Subuh prayer. Slept for a couple of hours before heading back to the hospital. Her condition was still the same. We kept saying syahadah to her ears, hoping that she could say it at least silently. Relatives come and go. Reciting surah Yasin. Read the Quran for her. We siblings take turn taking care of her. But we were all there. 6.00 pm. Me, my father and my second eldest sister decided to go back home first to change our clothes etc. So we left my mother with my brother who wants to go back too but waiting for his wife to finish her prayer. We were not far from the hospital when my brother called my sister. He said my mother has gone. For real. Forever. My heart beats fast. My father made U-turn and we went straight to my mother's ward. My father started crying from the parking lot. There are a lot of things going through my mind at that time. I don't know what to think. When we arrived at the ward, my tears just falling down. I cried so much. She has left me. Left my father. Left my brothers. Left my sisters. Left my nieces. Left the in-laws. Left the world. After a moment of prayer, my father and my sister went back to our home to tidy up our house. We decided to bathe and kafan her at the hospital. Praise to Allah, at least I can bathe her for one last time. After the kafan, my brothers prayed Solat Jenazah for her. I brought my mother's corpse to our house with the hospital van. There's traffic so we arrived a little bit late. There, a lot of my relatives has arrived. They recited Yasin for my mother. My father decided she will be buried after Jumaah Prayer the day after. He wants a lot of people to pray for her. After all the relatives left, only me, my father, my sister and my youngest brother left. We will take turn to take care of my mother's corpse. 

22 July

Our old neighbors visited us that morning. Reciting surah Yasin for my mother. My father and my brother went to the cemetery to observe the preparation. I saw my brother posted something at his Facebook timeline. A picture of my father staring at the place where they will put my mother's corpse with the caption "Hari ni hari last ayah tidur dengan ibu" (my father said it the night before). How sad is that to hear it from your father? Around 11.30 am, a van from the mosque came to bring my mother's corpse to the mosque. Before I tie her kafan cloth again, my father asked my siblings if they want to kiss  mother one last time. I can only touch her. I can't bear to kiss her because I know if I kiss her, I will cry again. I don't know why but I guess it is my ego. They had their Jumaah Prayer and after that, they prayed for my mother. They brought the corpse to the cemetery not far from my house. I can see it from afar only because suddenly, there was heavy rain. Really heavy. But Alhamdulillah, my mother's has safely been buried.

My friends who came to visit my mother's corpse said we siblings are strong because we didn't cry. We do cry but at the same time, we have to accept the fact that she's already gone. I think when my mom's gone, my father is the one who's taking the blow the hardest. 40 years of marriage. He's older yet my mother leave him first. He's still talking about how he met my mother. During their early years as husband and wife. When I think about this, I cry. 

I'm actually quite relieved that she's gone. She's been sick for years. 12 years to be exact because of the stroke. And December last year, her health deteriorated. Became worse during the second day of Raya. I'm relieved that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I just hope and pray to Allah to put her in the highest place in Jannah. Amin.

This is my first death that happened in front of me. Death will come to us eventually. It doesn't matter if you are old, young, sick, healthy. It doesn't matter. It will come to us when the time is up. My father always said he doesn't have enough time left. So do I. So do the people in the world.

The Worst Teacher that I've Ever Known

Yup. I've met that kind of teacher. That teacher is me. I'm the worst teacher of all. I know I know. A lot of people will say "it can't be that bad". Yeah, you probably right. It can maybe not that bad. But for now, it's really bad for me.

Setiap kali nak masuk kelas untuk mengajar, aku mesti akan blank. Tak ada benda yang organize langsung since aku masuk kelas bulan lepas. Lesson plan aku dah buat. Tapi still aku rasa macam aku tak follow lesson plan tu. Students macam tak dapat input daripada aku. That's when I feel like crap. Students bising dalam kelas aku, kelas cikgu lain students baik je. That's when I feel bad. Students makin galak berjalan, buat bising, tak panggil aku cikgu, main2kan aku. That's when I feel worse.

Most of the teachers said the first year will not run smoothly. Yes, I know. Tapi aku tak rasa aku boleh handle students for a couple of years ahead. Students buat aku ni macam orang yang boleh dimain-mainkan. Aku baik sangat ke? Langsung tak. Aku menjerit je sepanjang masuk kelas but still diorang pijak kepala jugak. Approach aku x betul ke? Probably. Setiap kali aku masuk kelas, I feel guilty. Sebab masa pelajar terbuang macam tu sahaja disebabkan cikgu seperti aku. Perasaan aku?? Lagi teruk agaknya. Kesian kat students. Bayar mahal2 masuk sekolah tapi dapat cikgu crap macam aku.

Semangatku terbang macam burung layang-layang. I have no motivation. Balik rumah nak kena fikir amende nak buat dengan pelajar. Tapi in the end, satu habuk pun tak ada. Kembali kepada chalk and talk sahaja. Nak buat set induksi/BBM, tak tahu mana yang sesuai. Cikgu ni nak kena kreatif. I'm not a creative person. Tak pandai melukis, tak pandai menyanyi, tak pandai buat set induksi yang menarik. Semua la. Kadang2 benci pada diri sendiri. Kenapa rasa tak mampu buat sedangkan tahu buat (kot)? Sigh~

I don't have that kind of spirit. Aku rasa terikat. I'm not really free. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I feel sorry for myself and the people around me who affected by myself. I'm so sorry.

Gotcha!

Bila aku tengok post lepas2, hampir kesemuanya panjang2. Haha...see? Betapa banyaknya luahan perasaan aku. Ececece...so korang boleh la bayangkan betapa banyaknya aku cakap dalam satu2 masa. Hamik ko!

Okay, post hari ni macam crap sikit la. And aku rasa agak crappy jugak la hari ni. Penat + sick. Banyak betul dugaan dan cabaran ajar foreigners yang tak tahu langsung English. Memang macam ayam cakap dengan itik. Macam tu jugak la aku. Kebanyakan student kat situ semua cakap Arab. Aku pun bukanlah paham sangat Arab. Kali terakhir belajar masa umur aku 12 tahun. More than 13 years aku tinggal so memang tak la aku nak ingat. Aku ingat student dewasa dengar cakap la. Tapi sama je macam budak kecik. Aku rasa budak kecik pun boleh je nak ikut arahan. Stres!

Sejak kebelakangan ni, aku banyak kali exploded. Aku memang tak boleh ajar slow learner sebab aku tak sabar tapi wallahualam Allah nak uji, aku dapat la sorang slow learner. Memang kena banyak sabar. Aku kesian jugak dengan dia sebab aku selalu marah dia depan student lain. Kalau aku ada kat tempat dia, aku pun malu and motivasi aku nak belajar pun confirm dah makin menurun. Tapi dia cukup pandai menaikkan darah aku. Tambah buat aku geram, dia ni cukup malas nak belajar lepas abis kelas. Aku paham lepas kelas, dia kerja. Okay, fine. Tapi break time kan dia boleh study. Ini tidak. Sigh~

Actually, aku nak cakap pasal benda lain. I don't know whether I have the gift or not tapi aku boleh tau apa impression or pemikiran orang lain terhadap aku berdasarkan mimik muka je. Sometimes, I can said accurately what particular person was thinking. Of course, bukanlah sepanjang masa aku kata "ah, ko tengah fikir apa? kutuk aku dalam hati ke ape" sebab tu aku kata sometimes je. Aku rasa banyak orang susah nak menipu depan aku especially orang yang senang berubah air muka. Tak susah nak baca muka orang sebenarnya. Haha...okay, berlagak! Mungkin disebabkan aku belajar kaunseling and aku selalu sangat perhati orang, aku mungkin la boleh baca orang walaupun tak lah accurate sepanjang masa. Boo~

Aku buat post ni sebab aku nak melahirkan rasa kurang senang yang timbul bila aku tengok ekspresi muka yang kurang menyenangkan daripada orang lain pasal sesuatu benda. Ok, panjang giler. I totally HATE it! Benda apa je aku x hate? Anyway, ah macam tu la. Tak tahu la macam mana aku nak buat dengan diri aku ni. Kenapa mesti aku nampak? Kenapa tidak orang lain? Sebab aku tau, kalau aku nampak, aku akan ingat sampai bila2. Sigh2.

Tu je la post merepek memalam buta ni. Jumaat aku nak fly overseas. Haha...first time. Sedih aku ni. Anyway, sila doakan kesejahteraan I okay?

Things that I choose to ignore but I can't

Aku rase semakin aku meningkat usia nie, makin banyak plak benda yang aku aware. Kadang2 aku choose untuk jadi ignorant. Xyah nak peduli ape2 sangat kat sekeliling aku tapi kalau jadi ignorant, terasa macam kurang pandai pulak. Ye la, kalau jadi ignorant, banyak negative effects compare to the positive ones. See? Benda2 macam ni pun aku nak kena consider jugak. Untuk entri kali nie, aku nak bagi couple of things yang aku xpaham kenapa orang sibuk2 nak menyibuk tapi I can't help to think about it.

Weight/Body Shape/Sewaktu dengannya

Aku dikurniakan dengan tubuh badan yang bukanlah ala-ala top model, apatah lagi model. Badan aku common je kat Malaysia nie. Tapi kalau definisi orang Malaysia, aku ni masuk kategori orang2 gemuk. It's fine with me. Cakap la aku gemuk macam badak ke, macam hippo ke, macam anak gajah ke, cakap. I don't mind. Sebab aku macam da lali orang cakap macam tu and I tend to ignore it. Sebab aku tau, lelama nanti mesti diorang diam. Xpun, dapat saiz sama dengan aku. Kah3. Okay, xbaik gelakkan orang. 

But there's one little incident yang menyebabkan aku rasa menyampah tahap gaban. Sampai buat aku rasa nak benti keje. Yep! It's happened in my workplace. Citenye macam nie. Workplace aku all girls except ade sorg lelaki la. Tapi yg lelaki tu pun selalu xde kat office sebab busy uruskan passport students etc. Last week, kitorang kene tgkp gmbr utk company profile. And we have to wear macam blazer la. Before that week, mase bos aku and HR manager beli blazer tu, aku da cakap da blazer tu xmuat. FYI, girls kat situ kurus2 except me. And then, bos aku kate xpe. Mase tgkp gmbr nanti, I don't have to button it. So fine la. N then mase ari photoshoot tu, aku kene button pulak. Aku dalam ati da agak menyumpah la kan. Bole button but terlalu ketat sampai aku rasa xselesa. And then, ade la salah seorang girls nie suruh aku lose weight. I was like what? You've just known me for less than 2 months and you already said that? Never before orang selain daripada family aku request aku lose weight tau. Okay, maybe people will said out of good intention. But I don't think so. Badan aku xmacam badan die. Aku tau badan aku memang cepat naik and susah turun. Even aku xmakan langsung pun for few days, badan aku xkan susut sangat. Trust me. Nasib baik la die jauh lebih tua daripada aku. I'm kind of pissed off jugak la. Macam racist giler. So basically, my performance is based on my body and not my skills? "Great"!

People's Talk/Gossip/Bla bla bla

Gossip. Aku penah cakap pasal gossip nie kat previous entry so paham2 je la sendiri. Orang xkan penah benti bercakap pasal kite. Aku rasa bukan aku je tau pasal tu, semua orang tau pasal tu. Maybe in different ways. I don't know. Buat baik, orang mengata. Buat jahat, orang mengata. Xbuat ape2 pun orang mengata jugak. So ape je yang perlu kite buat? Kite buat je la ape yang kite rase betul dan x melanggar syarak dan undang2. Kite buat je la keje kite and xcampur hal orang lain. Dalam kes macam nie, kite kene ade perasaan ignorant and selfish sikit. Untuk selamat. I chose to be ignorant though before but now, I think I'm becoming a selfish person but still ignorant. Way to go Masy!

Marriage

Will you marry me? Ditujukan khas kepada lelaki2 kat luar sana. Tapi to be truth, I'm not ready yet. Of course, sampai bila2 aku xready. Tapi bila da sampai masanya, aku akan kawin jugak. Yang nie la ape yang aku bagitau kat orang bila diorang tanye bile aku nak kawin. Tapi bile aku bagi jawapan macam nie, die putar pulak tempat lain. Jodoh kalau xcari xkan ade. Yeah2 I know. Tapi kalau betul xsampai lagi, nak buat macam mane? Aku tengok yang ade bf/gf berkurun lamenye pun xkawin2 jugak. Bukan xde calon. Tu calon berkurun lame tu, xde plak org sibuk2 nak tanye bile nak kawin. Ape? Takut sangat aku jadi andartu ke? Allahu Akbar. Jodoh, ajal tu semua kan kat tangan Allah. Sape aku nak kate bile aku nak kawin? Sape ko nak decide bile aku nak kawin? Kalau aku decide nak kawin esok and Allah benarkan, memang betul aku kawin esok. So? Masih nak tanye ke bile aku nak kawin?

These are some of the things yang aku masih try ignore sampai hari nie. Mostly berjaya la tapi kadang2, terlepas jugak sampai buat aku berfikir. To be honest, aku bosan. Aku sick dengan benda2 nie semua tau tak. Kenape la orang suke sangat jadi busybody? Jaga hal masing2 da la. Ni nak sebok2 hal orang. Bikin panas je.

Al-Fatihah ke atas arwah Fazirul Azmi Jakfar, sahabat lama. Semoga roh arwah ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang2 beriman. Amin

Teacher vs The Real Me

Teacher. Teaching. Hard work. Really hard work. I know semua keje memang susah. Mana ada keja yang senang kat dunia ni. Maybe keja yang orang kata keja goyang kaki tu pun susah. Mana la tau. To be honest, aku tau aku x berapa pandai mengajar. The reason is too obvious if you're one of my students.

Memang, aku tau dan aku faham, bukan semua orang boleh jadi tenaga pengajar, jadi pendidik dan sebagainya yang berkaitan la. Tapi tu la. Macam aku cakap tadi, rasanya mengajar bukan untuk aku. Tapi selain daripada mengajar, apa lagi yang boleh aku buat? Nothing maybe. Yeah, maybe I can try different field of work tapi of course la, diorang mesti nak cari pekerja yang at least ada kelulusan yang berkaitan. Ni dengan ijazah pendidikan yang aku ada, adalah agak sukar untuk memenuhi pasaran pekerjaan sekarang. 

Aku bukan x suka giler mengajar. Half of me rasa "oh, bole la mengajar nie. Seronok pun seronok. Masa pun singkat je". Half of me x rasa macam tu. That second half rasa macam tu sebab aku rasa aku tak pandai mengajar. Previous workplace di mana aku pernah mengajar pernah complaint kot kata x dapat apa-apa input daripada aku. Oh down giler aku.

And now, kat tempat kerja sekarang pun macam tu jugak. Aku ajar pun dikatakan tidak diajar. Sampai dia kata dia tak belajar apa-apa langsung hari tu. Aku rasa macam kena panah tepat kat dada. Menusuk kalbu. Kalau aku ni memang cepat nangis, memang aku nangis da depan student tu. Of course kebanyakan benda dia da tau, tapi tugas aku hanyalah untuk mengajar. Dia pun xnak bagitau aku whether dia da belajar ke belum. Aduh sedih betul aku. And then, another English beginner level student pun xnak aku ajar. Maybe sebab aku macam selalu marah2 dia, and mungkin jugak dia xpaham apa yang aku ajar. And I'm sorry about that. Yang nie pun buat aku down. Plus, lecturer yang ganti aku sekali tu foreigner so maybe dia rasa she's better than me and to be honest, memang aku setuju.

Aku di 'hire' untuk bekerja kat situ sebagai cikgu bahasa melayu so what do they expect? Kena bear with me la. Or push the management untuk tambah lecturer. Aku yang tersepit kat sini tau. Student x puas hati pasal lecturer lain, bagitau aku. Apa yang aku boleh buat? Aku da la baru keje kat situ. Ah stress.

Of course, this is a private center and they pay a lot for it. Plus, they are foreigners. Tapi nak expect ape belajar English kat country yang native language nya bukan English? Just because kos belajar kat sini cheaper than pegi US or UK doesn't mean you have to demand everything. Kadang2 buat aku bengang jugak la. Entah la. Harap2 cepat la keluar result SPP. Kalau xdapat pun, at least ada alasan nak berhenti keje. Sigh~

Dugaan lagi.

Hari nie merupakan hari dugaan untuk aku lagi. Dugaan itu pasti sebab keimanan ingin diuji. 

Masa bersiap2 nak pegi keje, baru perasan kancing kain tu da tercabut and aku lupa nak jahit. Lama dah tercabutnya tapi aku x ingat nak jahit. Sigh~ Tudung pun buat hal jugak. Takpe la. Mungkin tu biasa bagi aku. Sebab aku nie semuanya last minute so paham2 je la. Huhu..

Tapi Alhamdulillah masa aku amik bas pagi tadi, orang dalam bas x ramai. Yihaa! So aku pun relax je dalam bas. Xde la rasa x selesa ke apa. Keja ari nie pun okay je cuma biasa la busy lebih sikit sebab nak kena cantikkan pusat bahasa tu. Aduh aku bab kreatif nie fail. Fail sangat la.

Cuma masa aku keja, tetiba aku dapat mesej. Ntah sape ntah. Rupanya pervert. Yang peliknya, dia kata dia dapat nombor aku kat fb. Puas aku fikir kat sape aku bagi nombor aku and aku masih x ingat sampai sekarang. Tapi sms dia semuanya menakutkan. Aku rasa nak report polis je tapi aku da delete sms tu. Damn.Yang buat aku takut sebenarnya sebab dia tau nama aku. Dalam mesej tu, bukan nama fb tapi nama sebenar aku. Ya Allah rasa nak nangis je. 

Balik tu, aku pun pegi la solat Asar dulu. Minta perlindungan daripada Yang Maha Esa. Lepas tu, aku pegi la merayau kat Pavilion tu nak cari CIMB. Tapi xjumpe pun. Aku give up and pegi kat bakeri sbb aku ingat nak beli la roti ke, pastri ke untuk mak aku. Bile nak bayar tu, baru aku teringat dompet aku tertinggal kat office. Ya Allah sabar je la aku.

Aku pun dengan sepantas kilat (poyo je ni) balik ke office. Nasib baik la agak dekat. Tapi bila sampai kat ofis, ofis da tutup. Stress!! Aku pun kol la akak aku sebab nak mintak tambang balik. Sadis x?

Balik tu masa naik bas, ada sorang mamat nie duduk sebelah aku. Aku x suka mamat nie sebab dia suka amik space lebih. Bayangkanlah kalau siku dia bole sampai kat pinggang aku. Aku ikut hati yang jahat, mau aku lempang mamat tu. Xpun aku buat kecoh dalam bas. Sebab masalahnya bukan sekali, da dua kali da. Lagi satu, aku perasan mamat nie memang suka duduk sebelah perempuan. Oh memang bengang. Dia pun suka kalau masa nak bangun daripada seat tu, buat2 terlanggar ke, tergeser ke. Eiii pervert giler! Geram!

Apa2 pun, aku rasa dugaan nie semua macam peringatan la kat aku sebab aku selalu lupa Allah. Dengar macam islamic sangat kan aku? Haha...tapi betul. Dugaan tu memang macam peringatan kat diri aku yang selalu lupa nie. Ah~

Why I hate new job?

Alhamdulillah. Rezeki aku x putus2. Lepas je tamat kontrak last week, hari nie dapat berita dapat keje lagi. Alhamdulillah. So aku akan mula bekerja next Monday. Esok nak kene sign contract. Aduh, malasnye nak klua.Walaupun keje nie kontrak 3 bulan and xde kene mengene dengan course aku, insya Allah aku akan dapat pengalaman yang berharga. Amin.

Tapi tu la. Setiap kali aku dapat keje baru, aku memang x suke. Tak. Aku memang suka dapat keje cume ade beberapa perkara yang buat aku rase "hmm...malasnye nak pegi keje". Benda nie happen bukan sekali dua tapi macam aku cakap la, setiap kali dapat keje baru. Berikut merupakan kerisauan aku semasa dapat keje baru.

First, social interaction. To tell you the truth, aku bukanlah org yg xpandai mingle dengan orang lain. Serious x tipu. I can interact with people, occasionally. Tapi bila aku da makin besar nie, aku baru sedar la. Aku xpandai mingle dengan orang yang lebih tua. Aku lebih senang mingle dengan yang muda. Bukan la aku nak perasan aku muda ke ape tapi aku rasa aku lebih selesa mingle dengan yang muda daripada yang tua. Bukan ape, orang yang lebih tua and senior nie nak kite layan die lain sikit. Dengan yang muda nie kebanyakannye sempoi je. So bile masuk first day keje, nak kene kenalkan diri bagai. Oh malasnye. Walaupun itu macam lebih kurang nak berbasa-basi, ok la. Fine la. Aku bole buat tapi kalau expect aku buat lebih daripada tu, sorry la. 

Second, expectation. Aku sedar, bila orang baru masuk keje, orang yang da lame keje masing2 akan letak satu expectation kat orang baru. And kebanyakan expectation yang aku dapat ialah diorang expect orang baru untuk mesra, tau nak buat semua keje, terer (huh?) and macam2 lagi la. Tapi aku rase la, ade jugak yang anggap orang baru macam xtau ape2. Bahasa kasarnye bodoh la. Expectation mesra tu bagi aku lebih kepada diorang expect orang baru nie kaki bodek. Biasenye yang aku tengok senang masuk dengan orang nie memang kaki kipas. Duh!

Third, gossip! Yes, gossiping! Xyah cakap la. Gosip nie memang no 1 la kat office. Aku rase mane2 tempat keje same je. Kuat bergosip. Lelaki n perempuan same je. Menyampah aku. Aku bukan lah xbergosip. Aku pun gosip jugak. Tapi xde la sekuat orang2 keje kot. You know, dalam office environment, mesti ade puak/gang yang lain2. So bile da puak A ngumpat puak B, ah I hate it. Aku jadi orang tengah. Yang lagi "best", siap ajak aku dengar sekali sedangkan aku baru ade seminggu macam tu kat situ. What the? Bile aku xnak join, mula la cakap belakang. Walaupun aku xdengar, aku tau. Nature manusia beb. Memang macam tu. Macam tu ke orang berpelajaran tinggi? (kononnye).

Aku bukan nak cari flaws orang tapi bende nie memang jadi setiap kali aku dapat keje baru. Pattern die lebih kurang same la. Cume my previous job nie je yg okay sikit. I mean okay banyak la. Time keje2, kalau nak gosip pun kadang2 je. Aku jadi furious and curious setiap kali dapat keje baru. And for the first week of work, I will be at my utmost uncomfortable feeling. Just hope for the better. Insya Allah.