Entah la

Officially, my contract ends by today. Well, physically, semalam la aku abis contract. To be honest, aku ade mixed feelings. Sad is definite, and miss them already. Haha...funny kan? Aku seriously bukan jenis nak miss2 orang nie. Except my family and home. Tapi diorang nie memang exceptional. Workplace okay, orang pun okay. Tapi memandangkan bidang aku pun xde kene mengene dengan company tu and responsibility aku kat situ pun da selesai, so xde point lagi aku bekerja kat situ. It's okay la. At least, aku dapat pengalaman bekerja yang berharga and lain daripada yang lain. Ok fine. Skema.

Okay, this is off topic. I do realize yang aku cepat flutter. Bukan sekali dua aku caught off guard diri sendiri tengah flutter. Nak kate aku xsedar, aku memang fully aware yang aku nie cepat flutter. Dulu aku macam xperasan sangat tapi sejak masuk U, aku perasan la condition aku nie. Aku seriously HATE ade condition macam nie. Ramai akan kate aku nie xtau bersyukur. Tak. Aku memang bersyukur. Sebab aku masih ade perasaan. Tapi bile fluttering feeling tu datang, it will be extremely uncomfortable. Aku jadi xsenang duduk. Maybe walaupun tengah gelak2 dengan kawan2 or family, still fikiran aku akan ligat berpusing. Asyik nak fikir je tentang fluttering feeling tu.

For my condition/problem nie, aku ade solution. Bukan xde, memang ade. It takes me a little hard to accept but it is effective. Let's say I like someone but I don't want to like him because I think that he's nicer than me. I want to erase that feeling from my heart. So I have to wait. Wait for some news that can break my heart and prevent my heart to continue love him. Seems easy right? Not really. Still pain in the ass. But it really does bring me back to reality.

That's what happened when your heart and your mind are not in the same pace. When my mind is ready to let go that feeling, my heart refuse. It's hard to satisfy the heart. So the only solution is some heart-breaking news have to be heard. Sad but true.That's the only way.

Tetibe aku teringat kate2 kakak aku. Die kate aku nie takut dengan lelaki. Ke xsuke lelaki ntah. Something like that la. Bukan la die maksudkan tu nafsu aku songsang ke ape. Tapi bile die tengok perangai aku, die rase aku nie macam xsuke lelaki. Aku extremely suke lelaki. Ok, confession giler. Tapi aku normal. Cume aku keep saying to myself "Belum tibe masenye untuk aku ade relationship".

I'm not craving for a relationship right now tau tapi for unknown reason, my heart is fluttering right now. And I hate it. I need some heart breaking news from him or sape2 la yang berkenaan. Nak lupekan, it takes time. So kene busykan diri la nampaknye.

In b4, org keje klcc byk hensem2 tapi xble nak minat sbb xtau da kawin ke x. Demm~

Perception...

CAUTION!! This post contains some statement that will offend some readers. Read at your own risk.

I'm working as a teacher at one of language center around Ampang. The job is easy, working hours are short and the salary is quite high. I have to teach a few Grade 3 and Grade 7's Korean students just for 5 hours. So, its great for me. When I write this post, I have just a few days left to finish my work there. Oh, this is a one-month job because this is some kind of English intensive program for them. They can speak English very well but for the other parts of English, well they have to improve that. So that's why they joined this intensive program.

The other thing is the students are Korean so I can (at last) say something in Korean to a native speaker. Aha! Well, I just knew a few words only but still, the students said I can speak well. Haha...I'm not bragging but it's the truth. I don't feel like I'm in Malaysia at all. 

Well, that's some of the fun things there. But of course, there are some things that makes me uncomfortable with that place and Koreans. I will list down some of the questions that bother me so much and I can't help to let it run through my mind over and over again. This maybe controversial but I heard it with my own ears and some from my friend too. This is the result of observation of the students about Malaysia and Malays. Here goes:~

1. Why Malay people are so ugly? 

2. Why Malay are not white?

3. Why there's a lot of fat people in Malaysia?

This is just some questions that my students asked. It offended me in a way. Because I'm Malay. Don't be surprised, they even told me I'm ugly, and I should do some plastic surgery on my face. I have just heard about how high standard Korean about appearance in Korea but I never thought that I will be one of the victim of this standard. Here. In Malaysia. 

A few days ago, there are 1 new student enter the class but she's afraid. I'm not sure why. But the Grade 3 students said because of my face so ugly, that's why the student afraid to come to the class. It's hurt to hear that come out from a Grade 3's student. I neither ugly nor pretty, I'm plain. I've told I'm ugly a lot and I didn't bother about it at all but this?

Something more shocking was revealed just before I finished class on last Friday. Student A talked to student B in Korean when they are doing their work. But I can quite understand what they talked about. She's talking about her mother perception towards Malay (or Malaysia people, I'm not sure). Her mother said Malay are ugly people. See? How parents brainwashed their children about judging others appearance? No wonder the daughter also do the same.

This is racist. Okay2, I know. Maybe not all Koreans are like this. It's just the same like Malay. Some Malay are racist too. Even between Malaysian. But I never thought this is happening in front of me. I've been verbally abuse. There are some people there who didn't like me at all and hope to get rid of me as fast as they can. Well, good news. A few days more and I will be leaving that place.

I like K-pop. To get rid of my building hatred towards them, I watched lots of Korean variety show, music videos etc. That way, it will soothe a little. I want to work there a little longer. I'm sick of job-hunting but ah...I don't know. 

I want to apologize for this post but I have to get rid this uneasy feeling that keep lingering around me. Let's make the world a better place for all of us. Peace~