I'm not REALLY like that

This thing is actually da berlegar2 dalam fikiran aku da lame da. Cuma aku masih hesitate sama ada perlu ke tak aku post benda ni. Post ni pasal diri aku. Well, as if aku TAK pernah post pasal diri sendiri kan? Tapi this is something yang aku rarely cite dekat kawan2. Haha..(tetibe)

A lot of people have asked me why am I still single until this day. Okay2, aku bukan jenis nak cite pasal relationship dengan orang especially dengan kawan2 sebab aku rase bende tu macam geli je. Haha...tapi memandangkan umur aku ni nak masuk 25 thn (T_T), so I guess I need to put this thing in consideration (huhhh..xble blah ayat). 

One of the reason is aku rase xde orang suke kat aku. Or maybe aku rase org tu x brave enough utk luahkan perasaan kat aku (ok, geli). And aku rase even if ade orang luahkan perasaan kat aku sekarang ni, maybe aku tolak. Sebab I'm not ready for a relationship. Ajak kawin terus xpe kot. Haha....ok, aku gatal.

Another thing is penampilan aku x same macam perempuan2 yang lain. Aku x girlish. Aku x make up. Usual outfit aku ialah t-shirt, khakis and sport shoes. It's not that aku ni berlagak muda pakai pakaian macam tu tapi aku x berminat dengan pakaian keperempuanan except baju kurung. Kalau nak suruh aku jadi girlish, so request la kat aku pakai baju kurung. Even skirt labuh pun aku kurang. Banyak da org cakap kat aku tukarlah penampilan, make up sikit bla bla bla. Oh I'm so sick of it! Aku akan bertukar kepada pakaian2 girlish tu tapi on my own pace. Aku xkan berubah kalau org paksa2. Even bapa aku pun x paksa2, ni plak orang lain. 

Lagi 1, presence aku nie macam strong. Aku ni tak bold verbally. Tapi aku rase body language aku macam strong. Macam xbagi orang dekat dengan aku. Even some of my friends pun ade cakap macam tu. Aku pernah la di consider sombong sebab mimik muka and body language aku. Aku jalan macam mendabik dada sikit. So disebabkan aku nampak macam strong, lelaki nampak aku ni macam bole protect diri sendiri, x fragile. But the thing is aku same je macam perempuan lain. Cume physical appearance aku je mungkin lain sikit. 

And aku realize aku ni sebenarnya agak physically strong. Xla sekuat lelaki tapi I'm stronger than any woman. Mungkin ini semua hasil daripada menolong bapa aku bekerja di sektor pembinaan. Haha...skema giler ayat. Dulu, aku rajin (rajin sebab terpaksa) tolong bapa aku angkat batu, cat dinding, angkat simen dan ada la lagi beberape bende lain. So kononnye drpd situ la aku dapat kekuatan aku. Ceh..haha..tapi walaupun aku buat kerja2 macam tu, bapa aku still xnak aku hilang kefemininan aku. Dia still akan suruh aku tolong mak aku and everything. I mean kerja2 yang biasa perempuan buat. Even pakaian pun, bapa aku xsuke kalau aku pakai seluar. Die prefer aku pakai baju kurung, skirt labuh ke. Semua yang labuh2 la. Cume anak die ni xdengar cakap. :p

So there you have it. Some of the reasons why am I still single. Aku x heran sebenarnya kalau all of my friends getting married first. It's okay, go ahead. Sebab jodoh masing2 da sampai. Xkan la aku nak stop plak kan? Jodoh aku pun akan sampai jugak tapi ini semua melibatkan ketentuan Allah dan juga masa. Lagipun, sekarang aku pun x stable lagi so kena stabilkan diri dulu, baru boleh fikir semua ini. Well, I know I will occasionally fikir tapi not all the time. Keje pun xde ni. Aduh.

In Loving Memory of Tam

At this moment, I'm still grieving over my cat. It's been two days since its death. I had a lot of cats before this. And a lot of them already dead. I've buried some of them but mostly my father did. I felt sad too when they died but not to the extend of crying. Well, I've cried once because of cat but that because I saw the kitten was killed by a "cat intruder" in front of my eyes.

But this one. This one gave me the biggest impact in my life. To tell the truth, I still occasionally cry because of Tam. The reason is I saw the process of Tam's death and it broke my heart. It hurts my feeling a lot. Watching it struggling to its death, it's beyond words. It was in perfect health but three days before it's death, Tam started to lose appetite, just sat in one place and just drank water. I thought its just a common fever but apparently not.

3rd Feb 2014, around 11.20 pm, Tam was struggling until it caught its last breath. I can't stop crying that night. I've buried Tam in front of my house and I cried again. It's too unbearable. I've never cried so hard because of a person but this one? I can't contained my tears.

Watching Tam's death actually give me the insight that every living creature in this world will face the same thing; death. How about my way of death then?

Perception...

CAUTION!! This post contains some statement that will offend some readers. Read at your own risk.

I'm working as a teacher at one of language center around Ampang. The job is easy, working hours are short and the salary is quite high. I have to teach a few Grade 3 and Grade 7's Korean students just for 5 hours. So, its great for me. When I write this post, I have just a few days left to finish my work there. Oh, this is a one-month job because this is some kind of English intensive program for them. They can speak English very well but for the other parts of English, well they have to improve that. So that's why they joined this intensive program.

The other thing is the students are Korean so I can (at last) say something in Korean to a native speaker. Aha! Well, I just knew a few words only but still, the students said I can speak well. Haha...I'm not bragging but it's the truth. I don't feel like I'm in Malaysia at all. 

Well, that's some of the fun things there. But of course, there are some things that makes me uncomfortable with that place and Koreans. I will list down some of the questions that bother me so much and I can't help to let it run through my mind over and over again. This maybe controversial but I heard it with my own ears and some from my friend too. This is the result of observation of the students about Malaysia and Malays. Here goes:~

1. Why Malay people are so ugly? 

2. Why Malay are not white?

3. Why there's a lot of fat people in Malaysia?

This is just some questions that my students asked. It offended me in a way. Because I'm Malay. Don't be surprised, they even told me I'm ugly, and I should do some plastic surgery on my face. I have just heard about how high standard Korean about appearance in Korea but I never thought that I will be one of the victim of this standard. Here. In Malaysia. 

A few days ago, there are 1 new student enter the class but she's afraid. I'm not sure why. But the Grade 3 students said because of my face so ugly, that's why the student afraid to come to the class. It's hurt to hear that come out from a Grade 3's student. I neither ugly nor pretty, I'm plain. I've told I'm ugly a lot and I didn't bother about it at all but this?

Something more shocking was revealed just before I finished class on last Friday. Student A talked to student B in Korean when they are doing their work. But I can quite understand what they talked about. She's talking about her mother perception towards Malay (or Malaysia people, I'm not sure). Her mother said Malay are ugly people. See? How parents brainwashed their children about judging others appearance? No wonder the daughter also do the same.

This is racist. Okay2, I know. Maybe not all Koreans are like this. It's just the same like Malay. Some Malay are racist too. Even between Malaysian. But I never thought this is happening in front of me. I've been verbally abuse. There are some people there who didn't like me at all and hope to get rid of me as fast as they can. Well, good news. A few days more and I will be leaving that place.

I like K-pop. To get rid of my building hatred towards them, I watched lots of Korean variety show, music videos etc. That way, it will soothe a little. I want to work there a little longer. I'm sick of job-hunting but ah...I don't know. 

I want to apologize for this post but I have to get rid this uneasy feeling that keep lingering around me. Let's make the world a better place for all of us. Peace~

Teacher: It's hard!

Every job is hard in this world. Xde keje yang xsusah. Even jobless person pun akan rasa susah. Teacher. Yeah, teacher. Hard, very hard. Of course, ramai org akan kate "ah, banyak lagi keje yang lebih susah drpd cikgu" atau "ala, keje cikgu senang. pegi pagi, balik tengah hari. pastu, bile time cuti sekolah, bole cuti panjang, melancong bla bla bla". To tell you the truth, I HATE org yg cakap mcm nie. Nampak sangat xpaham skop kerja cikgu nie macam mana.

Apa yang aku cakap ni based on my experience. I've been in this teaching field for a few time and every time just for a short period. Even for short period, it's really hard. Nak tackle pelajar lagi, bagi kerja, mengajar, layan karenah yang berlainan and banyak la lagi. Sape yang pernah mengajar akan faham apa yang aku cakap ni. 

Tipu la kalau aku kate sepanjang aku mengajar, aku x pernah menangis. I cried a lot. Bile aku fikir2 balik, berapa banyak air mata cikgu2 aku yang aku tumpahkan sepanjang diorang ajar aku? Too much I think. The teaching job is too hard sampai aku nak quit terus daripada jadi cikgu. Sebab apa? I'm not strong enough. X kisah la teori mengajar dapat score paling tinggi sekali pun, tapi bila da masuk sekolah/institusi pendidikan, teori tu hanya 10% je (bg aku) kite akan guna. The other 90% kena pandai2 cikgu la nak buat macam mana.

Lagi satu, aku takut sebenarnya. Katakanlah aku jadi cikgu. Tapi aku x sepenuh hati nak jadi cikgu. Pastu, bila aku ajar generasi tu, pastu generasi tu rosak disebabkan aku, xke haru? Cakap la apa yang korang nak cakap tapi I have to think far. Because I know myself too well maybe. I know my limits.

So, before the end of 2013, I want to say again; teaching is hard. To all my teachers and teachers around the world no matter what field are you, thank you so much for your patient in educate people. Without you, we can't discover and understand new things. 

To 2014, I hope for the better this new year. Another year and I get a year older. Insya Allah semoga semuanya berjalan lancar pada tahun baru ini. Amin.

Things happening too fast

Yes, for a few weeks, things happening too fast. Too fast sampai aku x sempat nak hadam. Why on earth this happening to me? Yes, it still happening.

Ok ceritanye. Selepas berhempas pulas (la sgt) mencari keje secara online selame 2 bulan, akhirnya aku dapat keje and pada 1 November, bermulalah tugas aku sebagai lecturer (geli plak aku menyebutnye) kat satu akademi dekat je ngan uma aku. Feeling excited, nervous sume ade la. Biase la. Kalau start keje je, mesti macam tu.

But things goes wrong 2 weeks ago. Bile salah seorang lecturer dipecat. The reason of termination tu aku x kesah sangat tapi the way diorang terminate was wrong. Supposely one week untuk terminate tapi this girl kene terminate immediately. Macam nak bagi die blah cepat2. Come on la. Pelik betul aku. 

From that day, I never imagined that things will get worse day by day. Banyak da benti and a lot of scenes berlaku and I thank Allah sebab aku xpayah nak tengok scene tu. I hate fights. Hari nie memang the ultimate la sebab almost sumenye da benti. 

And aku pun bakal menyusul x lame lagi. Aku suke keje kat situ sebab banyak interaction dengan foreigners and I like that. Tapi bile memikirkan apa yang terjadi, aku da xde hati nak keje kat situ. I hate looking at people's facial expression. Sebab aku akan ingat sampai bila2. Terutamanya facial expression yang menunjukkan rasa kurang senang. It's hard.

Aku tersepit sebenarnya. Nak berhenti atau nak stay. It's really really hard for me. Ah, kenape la jadi macam nie? Aku selalu ingatkan diri aku yang ini dugaan untuk aku. Sebagai pengajaran, sebagai pengalaman. Semoga aku boleh lalui keadaan nie. Amin.

Food critics!

You know when people criticize you about something, they either want you to achieve better or they just like to critic. 

Bagi aku, aku boleh terima kritikan. Well, most of the time, ade jugak yang aku x terima. Aku kan ego, keras kepala etc. Kritikan daripada orang luar selalu sangat aku ignore. Tapi bile aku fikir2 balik, ade jugak la aku fikir and aku amik utk perkembangan diri. Haha....boleh blah ayat aku?

But family members punye kritikan agak sukar jugak utk aku terima. Not all people boleh terima kritikan. it hurts you more deeply than other people yang kritik. So yeah.

The situation is like this. Aku da lame belajar (?) masak. Since aku form 4, 5 macam tu la. Aku pun x ingat. Before that time, aku xmasak la. Mak aku pun xbagi aku duduk dapur masa die masak. So, input tu aku dapat sikit je. Tapi bile mak aku da start sakit, bapak aku la yang masak untuk kitorang. Lame2, da beralih kepada aku plak peranan tu. 

To tell you the truth, aku boleh masak tapi aku x pandai masak. "Boleh" dan "Pandai" adalah dua perkataan yang membawa dua maksud yang berbeza. Boleh masak x semestinye sedap. Dulu, aku xde la dengar complaint bagai. Tapi bile besar nie, maybe expectation makin tinggi so aku banyak terima kritikan. Kadang2 tu aku bengang jugak la. Haha...

Mana x bengang. Aku prefer kalau orang makan masakan aku, just keep the comment to themselves. Xpun, bagitau dalam manner la. Sometimes, aku rase malas nak masak. Sebabnye kritikan yang akan keluar. Haha...boleh plak macam tu kan. 

Sebenarnye, aku jeles dengan orang yg ade bakat memasak. I mean orang yang jarang masuk dapur tapi bile die masak, masakan die tu menjadi. Oh sungguh jeles. Aku x macam tu. Ikut resepi pun xjadi jugak. Kalau sekali aku xkesah tapi da banyak kali. Sigh~

So, sile la jangan jadi macam aku. Sebabnye aku try nak improve sampai aku give up. But I will try to improve again, day by day. 

p/s: malasnye nak keje esok.

Friends that you don't called friends.

Hah, ade pulak macam tu? Mesti la ade. Actually, post title nie ade 2 sudut yang berbeza. Kalau yg fikir positif akan kate "oh kalau bukan friends, mesti anggap macam family". Kalau yang fikir negatif, "xlain da nie, mesti kawan makan kawan", xpun "kawan jadi musuh".(Psychology alert!)

Kalau aku baca statement macam post title aku nie, for sure aku akan fikir negatif dulu. Pastu, barulah aku fikir yang positif. Aku nie agak negatif orangnya. So, ape yang aku nak kate sebenarnya?

To tell you the truth, aku ade kawan yang type2 die positif dan negatif. Well, aku rase setiap orang mesti ade je kawan macam nie. Positif, well not so many. Ade la a few. Yang negatif quite a lot compare dengan yang positif. Yang negatif tu pulak merupakan antara yang agak lama jugak berkawan dengan aku.

Selama aku hidup 24 tahun nie, one of the things  that I've learned is almost everyone in this world will always remember the bad things that people do to them. Good thing? Rarely remember by people. Laying forgotten somewhere maybe.

Aku x cakap aku baik. Sebab aku tau aku pun bukannye baik sangat. Ape orang kate? Macam angelic sangat. No no no. That's not me. Tapi aku sedang berusaha untuk tidak mengingat perbuatan jahat yang orang buat kat aku. Instead, I try to remember the good things that people have done for me.

So, bile ade kawan yang back stabbed kawan2 yg lain, it's quite hurt me actually. Aku pun jahat. Aku tau aku jahat. Kutuk2, ngumpat2. Tapi aku cube jugak sedaya upaya x kutuk kawan sendiri. Sebab kalau umur pun da sesuai nak beranak pinak tapi perangai macam budak2, xgune jugak. Tak matang dalam handle perselisihan faham.  Sepatutnya umur perlu diikuti dengan kematangan. Seeing people like this, I guess not.